Imagine with me here. The setting is a sunny Saturday afternoon in June. You’re looking forward to quiet time…alone…near the pool with a book, because seven-year-old Junior has a playdate (woohoo!). You hop in the car, drive him happily to his friend’s house, give hugs goodbye, leaving as you say “…and Junior, behave yourself!” Then, you drive on home.
A few hours later, playdate complete, you go back to pick him up. You arrive at the front door to chat with the parents for a minute before taking Junior and heading home… and, in no uncertain terms, they burst your happy, relaxed bubble and tell you that Junior did not, in fact, behave himself.
At all, actually.
Just so you know, they almost called you twice.
You get a few details of the events of the afternoon, collect Junior, and march him to the car, gritting teeth, steaming and thinking, “I swear I’m not going to let him play XBox again for the whole week. I told him to behave himself! All I wanted to do was relax!” When you get home, he goes to his room for a timeout until later when his dad gets home and a good punishment can be discussed. <– caution!!! not usually a good plan….
All right, hang on. Wait.
Pause.
There’s a back story here that plays a part. Hear me out before you do anything like that. We know that when we tell someone something, it doesn’t guarantee that they will do it. We are just telling them what we want them to do. We are hoping they will do what we have asked. If it’s a kid, adults usually expect them to do as they say, without question.
What comes into play with rules like “behave yourself” or “curfew is at 9” is everything that has happened before the rule is given. When little toddling Junior learned to walk down the stairs on his own, you taught him to hold onto the banister. In fact, you insisted he always put one hand on as he goes down, to be safe. Because you insisted, and when he forgot you reminded him consistently, always making sure your point was made (because you would freak out, haha), Junior held the banister on the way down from then on (until he was big enough for you to stop worrying as much about it, and it was no longer an issue!). You effectively taught him the rule: “We hold the banister with one hand when we walk down the stairs.” Junior learned this rule and followed it because you taught him what the rule meant through your actions and your consistent follow-through if he forgot.
A lot of the time, as parents, we forget to teach our kids what a rule means. Sometimes, we ourselves don’t even know what we really (truly) mean. What do we mean when we say, “It’s time to turn the tv off?” Do we mean right this minute? Do we mean in five minutes? Do we mean at some point in the next half hour, or whenever some other thing happens that signals it’s *really* time? Really, what that statement means is dependent on the individual person (or family).
What a rule’s meaning becomes is what you make it, based on your actions. If you tell Junior that it’s time to turn the tv off, and then you make sure he does so within a few seconds each time you give this rule, he learns that you mean right now. If you tell him it’s time to turn the tv off, and then you walk away, coming back a few minutes later to find he, in fact, did not turn the tv off, you remind him, and he then does it, he learns that when you say “it’s time to turn the tv off” you really mean in a while when I tell you again, it will be time to turn the tv off then.
In order for a kid to learn what a rule means, we need to make sure to explain the meaning behind it. And the child must be able to understand the rule. The developmental level of the child determines how concrete or abstract the rule should be. Without doing this, rules don’t work and we are just wasting our time.
Instead of getting mad and reacting with a time out (which probably will not help much), what I would recommend this mom does is clearly define what “behave yourself” means when she tells it to Junior as he is dropped off. Which behaviors are expected? Which behaviors are unacceptable at a friend’s house? What are the consistent consequences if the rules are broken? This really would be a whole conversation about what expectations the parents have for Junior’s behavior when he is at a friend’s house, including telling him, “When we say ‘behave yourself’ this is what we mean.” And then, ensure he understands through practice and consistent responses when there are mistakes.
So, in short, “mean it when you say it” — if you make a rule, make sure you really mean it. Otherwise don’t even say it.
Behave Yourself LLC 